TALKING TURKEY WITH A VEGETARIAN.....

As someone who is always behind with Christmas preparations, I'm learning to laugh about this these days (instead of crying and getting stressed-out).   'Laughing is better than crying anyday' as my mother always used to say, so here's something which I hope will make you laugh this Christmas. It's the poem called 'Be nice to your turkey this Christmas' by Benjamin Zephaniah. You can read the words here. Or see his wonderful performance of the poem on 'Youtube'.  I heartily recommend it and wish you a very Happy Christmas and New Year.

home page
(reproduced here
with permission)

Be nice to yu turkeys dis christmas

Cos' turkeys just wanna hav fun

Turkeys are cool, turkeys are wicked

An every turkey has a Mum.

Be nice to yu turkeys dis christmas,

Don't eat it, keep it alive,

It could be yu mate, an not on your plate

Say, Yo! Turkey I'm on your side.
I got lots of friends who are turkeys

An all of dem fear christmas time,

Dey wanna enjoy it, dey say humans destroyed it

An humans are out of dere mind,

Yeah, I got lots of friends who are turkeys

Dey all hav a right to a life,

Not to be caged up an genetically made up

By any farmer an his wife.
Turkeys just wanna play reggae

Turkeys just wanna hip-hop

Can yu imagine a nice young turkey saying,

'I cannot wait for de chop',

Turkeys like getting presents, dey wanna watch christmas TV,

Turkeys hav brains an turkeys feel pain

In many ways like yu an me.
I once knew a turkey called........ Turkey

He said "Benji explain to me please,

Who put de turkey in christmas

An what happens to christmas trees?",

I said "I am not too sure turkey

But it's nothing to do wid Christ Mass

Humans get greedy an waste more dan need be

An business men mek loadsa cash'.
Be nice to yu turkey dis christmas

Invite dem indoors fe sum greens

Let dem eat cake an let dem partake

In a plate of organic grown beans,

Be nice to yu turkey dis christmas

An spare dem de cut of de knife,

Join Turkeys United an dey'll be delighted

An yu will mek new friends 'FOR LIFE'.

Goodbye Bridge Farm Dairy Products. Hello Ambridge Organics...

Last night's 'Archers' episode ended with Pat's declaration (or was it Tony's? I'm usually doing ten other things when I listen so I can't be sure) Anyway, one of them said it was time to say 'Goodbye' to the name 'Bridge Farm' and to emphasise the name 'Ambridge Organics'. This rebranding exercise has come about because 'Bridge Farm' suffered a massive decline in sales recently due to an E-Coli outbreak in their dairy. (Turns out Clary had a tummy upset on her day off; which she didn't report because she was better by the time she went back to work). Two young children were hospitalized and Clary lost her job over the affair.

Pat and Tony's son, Tom Archer, meanwhile, has managed to keep his sausage business untainted by the sorry episode. He's been pushing to incorporate the 'Bridge Farm' label into his expanding empire and to rebrand the ice-creams and yogurts under his name. Not to be outdone in the business empire stakes, Tom's sister Helen, who recently became a mother to Henry, thought the brand should skip a generation and bear the label of her son's name. There was a big boardroom row and, for a minute, I thought we were going to see 'blood on the carpet'. However, all seems to have been resolved amicably in this 'Everyday Story of Country Folk' as the programme used to be subtitled.

That's why I like the 'Archers'. You can go off to the loo - or even go and make a cup of tea or mow the lawn - but you're always able to catch up with the plot; and even glean the latest public information policies without the least bit of effort.

Mary Queen of Flops...

There's a very irritating woman on the telly at the moment who is so up her own surname it's just unbelievable!

She is on a mission to 'dress the older woman'; and is, condescendingly, visiting 'beyond the pale' places such as Guildford (which I LOVE thank you very much); in order to prise such women away from their comfort zone shops such as M&S and other middle-class, middle-aged fashion outlets. This arrogant, egotistical woman is telling us we have a choice between 'frumpy' (like your granny) or 'frivolous' (so that you have to pretend you are buying stuff for your daughter).

Well, let me tell you Mary, Mary; on the contrary:  There are actually a lot of really nice shops out there; staffed by really nice, polite people. And, in these recessionary times, they are falling over themselves to serve us.

So why should we go anywhere near a shop which has anything to do with such an outrageously rude and overbearing ginger monster?

Snap, Crackle and Pop! How Advertising appropriated popular culture.( And vice versa)

Last week I went to a very interesting talk by Richard Alford, Managing Director of M&C Saatchi. It was the last (but not least) of a series connected with the exhibition of pop art at the Woking Lightbox. The exhibition title 'Snap, Crackle and Pop', came from a slogan used many years ago by the advertisers of 'Rice Krispies' - the idea being that, when you added milk to the cereal, it made that snap, crackle and pop noise - evidence that the stuff was really crispy and fresh. The old commercials were really good in their day, but the advertisers have updated the original idea and made a new version which is much more 'empathic' and, actually, conveys the original message to the modern audience even more clearly, I think. See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS7X02Wa3GA&feature=player_embedded

As you can imagine, I had high expectations of the level of presentation, given the profile of the speaker. And  was not disappointed. Mr Alford gave a 'no nonsense' critique of what Advertising should be about, in his opinion, as a practitioner. He admitted first off that he was no expert on Pop Art, Post-Modernism; or any of the other art 'isms' which are bandied about.  He emphasised that the point of advertising is to sell; but sometimes, it's not surprising that potential customers don't 'get' the message, as often, the advertisers themselves are not clear about what they have to say.

The audience was treated to a few examples of successful and unsuccessful uses of Pop Art in advertising. Then, with the warm glow of a free glass of wine; and a balmy early autumn evening ahead of us, we left the gallery feeling a bit more positive about the world of advertising.

To Fly to Serve. Or to Fly to Save? Can you put a price on a beautifully-crafted tv commercial?

The current British Airways television commercial http://youtu.be/a4JdQi60an0  gives me goosebumps. We all know that throughout history planes have crashed and that, in more recent history, the glamour and adventure of flying have been replaced by terror punctuated with tedium and hassle. Also that, particularly in times of war, it was the chaps who went off and left the wives and children at home.

The thing about this commercial, is that probably very little of it applies to today's flying experience. However, the spirit of the thing is one which, as a nervous flyer, I embrace wholeheartedly. It speaks to me in a language that, I imagine, speaks also to people who are looking for adventure when they fly. People might jet off to experience white-knuckle rides in far-flung places; but they don't really want a white-knuckle ride whilst they're getting there (or back).

Most of all, it speaks to me in my mother tongue. In flying, more than anything else, language and communication are paramount. When I was flying home from a holiday several years ago (on a British Airways flight, as it happens);  we hit a patch of  turbulence, which was very scary. The slightly posh English accent of the pilot assured me  'We'll get through this'; and I immediately got a visual picture of someone who had been properly trained (possibly RAF with a handlebar moustache); and,  momentarily, was calmed and trusting.When we landed, I wanted to hug the pilot. I certainly did that 'kissing the tarmac' thing.

I am sure that other national airlines offer the same 'usp' to their customers. However, in making this ad, I think British Airways must have been thinking of me.

My thoughts are with anyone who is flying today. Happy landings and safe returns!

















http://youtu.be/a4JdQi60an0

Maths GCSE. It all adds up at any age...

You probably read about the six-year-old girl, who gained an 'E' grade at GCSE mathematics, when the results were published yesterday.

Good for her. It has taken me a lifetime of avoiding maths and being taken for a 'duffer' at everything else; before 'confronting one of my demons' and sitting my Maths GCSE for the first time in June.

Of course, now that I have passed; at the requisite 'C or above' grade; I can say, as many young people do, that I could have got a higher grade. Yes, I could have got a higher grade, had I done more work; and also if I'd taken the course over the recommended two years instead of the one which I'd set aside.

Still, the good thing about my grading, is that I never ever have to do Maths again if I don't want to.

However, the little girl who got an 'E' grade still has to continue with, what she admits, is not'her favourite subject'. She will need to get that magic 'C' grade in order to give up the subject completely, like me. Or to pursue her other ambitions.  With her current track record, she could be on course to get an 'A' or a starred 'A' before she is very much older; unless she goes off the subject entirely. Which I would not recommend; otherwise she could find herself in my position.

Still, never too late as they say....

I've got my 'Silly Season' hat on!

Sitting in a waiting room this morning, I picked up an issue of 'Hello' magazine, dated 26th July, 2010.

From this, I was able to glean that Prince William and Kate Middleton were 'living as man and wife' before they were even engaged - shock! horror! They were apparently 'rumbled' when they stopped off to buy groceries in a North Wales mini-market. It is a well-known 'fact' that Royals and Celebrities never carry anything so vulgar as cash or credit cards; so Kate had to pay by credit card, thus revealing her identity. (No doubt the footman or lady-in-waiting carries the credit cards now).

Prince Beatrice was pictured jumping into the sea in the South of France, whilst on holiday with her boyfriend. Whilst in the same issue, Cheryl Cole's mum was pictured pushing a trolley round the supermarket to buy 'healthy food' for her daughter, who was pictured blubbering into her scarf. No change there then.

Karren Brady had escaped 'The Apprentice' firing line for a family holiday in Mauritius; and Gethin Jones and Katherine Jenkins were 'loved up' in some distant destination.

Victoria Beckham looked as miserable as sin, pictured with her husband and three sons. Apparently, she is 'over the moon' now that she has a little female ally to take to the footie with her.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Hurley was shown plugging her organic food label in rural Gloucestershire. I wonder if that's given HRH a bit of competition (with the food, I mean, not the publicity: obviously Liz would win 'hands down' there!)

Not to be upstaged, Carla Bruni is pictured at some state occasion with her husband demonstrating some 'Gallic charm' by kissing her hand as she sits regally amongst the invited guests. Obviously, it worked a treat as she is now very pregnant.

I seem to remember, some band was singing 'I predict a riot' quite a lot last summer. Or was it the summer before? No matter, as you can see, 'plus ca change'.

And remember, you did NOT read here it here first!